Some Feelings Should Never Hide
by DarkTrappedDesire
Summary: England has been keeping his feelings a secret to everyone, and finally wants to let them out to his favorite person, Canada. But what happens when he gets some unsettling news from the quiet nation? /sucky summary is sucky/
1. Plans Shattered

Arthur stood at the front door to his dear friend's house, Matthew's to be exact. Soon, after a couple of knocks in the secret code they had done ever since they were all little, Matthew's front door opened. "Hey Arthur.",he said quietly.

Arthur smiled at the normally unseen country. "Hey. You usually don't ask to go out many places. Is something up?",he asked to his friend, thinking of how Matthew had asked over the phone if they could go out together for the day. Usually, he accepts his small existence in silence, even if England didn't believe it was as small as most people saw it.

"Yeah, everything's fine.",Matthew said and Arthur couldn't help but think his voice sounded a bit anxious. "Just, wanted to hang out with a friend today, is all.",he said, giving Arthur one of his reassuring smiles. Arthur softened and smiled wider, getting rid of his serious ways for a while. He always felt so calm when he was around the Canadian, and it was easy for him to say now, though not out-loud or to his brother Alfred, that he had developed a bit of a 'hard-love crush' on him.

"Alright. So, where should we head to then?",Arthur asked. Matthew shrugged softly, and Arthur had his attention caught a second by the small polar-bear that was tugging on his friend's pant-leg for wanted attention. Matthew shooed him into the house and closed the door.

"Umm.. I didn't really plan on anywhere to go. Just a walk in the park maybe?",the shy boy asked, and Arthur nodded to the request.

"That sounds lovely, Mattie.",Arthur cooed, and made himself speak as if to a normal friend. This wasn't the time to tell Matthew about his feelings. He would wait for the right time, one that was romantic, even if that would take a while to find one. They both walked down the street and turned to go down the other side of the block where a large park was to be found, and not many people actually went there. Good, less distraction for us.

They got to the park, and immediately Arthur came to realize the chill was getting worse, as he could now see soft white puffs from the breathes he was letting out. He tugged his coat to fit more snuggly on his figure, and buttoned it up slightly more, while Matthew was already dressed for it.

They walked down the path set on the park, which twisted many different ways so you could see the entirety of the park only if you back-tracked or looped around once or twice, depending on the direction you started. Matthew tugged at going on the path to the right, and Arthur happily obliged to follow him around the park he had probably traveled many more times than his English buddy.

They could see the eloquent ponds they had set in the park, there were many. All crafted to look natural, while being set in variously close places around the path they were on and a bit too small and perfection-ized to seem real. But, none the less, Arthur thought it was glamorous to have such a picturesque place to visit on various occasions like this one.

They stopped on a bridge, over-laying on one of the largest of the ponds. Standing on the side, looking down at the Koi fish that waded around the pond as calmly as anything would in this serine place. Arthur smiled. Could this be the time to tell him? It was a magnificent chance, but didn't have quite the right.. feel to it. Arthur looked up at the sky and noticed that the sun would set soon. Great. All I have to do is keep him in this area for a little while longer, then with the sun setting and night coming it will be the perfect time. Nothing can go wrong, and I'll make sure to keep it that way!

Arthur was confident with his plan, and looked over at his crush to have his smile falter. The Canadian had that worried look he had given back at the house. "Mattie? What's wrong? Are you not enjoying the park?",Arthur asked softly, with as much worry as he could let slip without giving away that he was about to do something. Matthew looked up at him, and his facial expression didn't change.

"No, the park is lovely.",he said in a cheerful tone. Matthew gave a small smile, but Arthur had seen his smile, and loved it, enough times to know that it wasn't whole-hearted. Arthur frowned disapprovingly.

"Mattie, I've told you a thousand times. If something's bothering you, then you have to tell me.",Arthur insisted gently. Matthew didn't do anything. Then, after a moment's pause he turned completely to face him and, with his head down, took a deep breathe. He looked up at Arthur with half-closed eyes.

"Me and Prussia are getting married.",he finally choked out. Arthur's heart, mind and body froze for a moment. _He's.. what?_ He stared blankly at his Canadian crush with wide emerald eyes.

"So.. you're.. engaged?",he said slowly, processing it in his mind. "You never even told me you were going out with him!",Arthur said, his volume getting louder though it didn't hold anymore emotion that the question before-hand. Matthew shook his head slightly.

"I know.. I didn't tell anyone yet, except for you. Well.. your the only person that listens to me besides Gil, so who else could I tell?",Matthew said, laughing slightly at the end. Arthur didn't laugh. To him, it wasn't a laughing matter. His brain still refused to work, and his heart continued to do nothing but yearn to break in two.

"Oh.. So, I guess you've been going out for a while now, since your engaged and everything.",Arthur said neutrally. He could feel himself smile, though it was involuntary and he felt no happiness what-so-ever. He must have been much better at acting than Mattie though, since the Canadian seemed to calm down from telling him the news.

"Yeah, it's been quite a while. I wanted to start telling people since, the wedding is going to be next week. I thought.. if I told you, since people can hear you, that you could spread the word for me? Gilbert is going to do the same, so you won't have to do much in the effort. Just.. thought you could help move it along a bit?",Matthew went on with his request.

Arthur continued his smile, nodding every couple words to what Matthew said. Arthur felt numb, he wasn't the one controlling his words, actions, or anything at all. Some unknown being was there instead, posing as himself as all he could do was watch as things proceeded with the act he put on. "Sure. I'll be sure to tell others about it, don't worry.",he said with the same monotone smile he's been wearing.

"That's great! Thanks Artie!",Matthew said, stepping forward and giving his childhood friend a big hug. Arthur immediately hugged back, and held him tightly. Not because he was happy, but he felt like he needed a hug and he wanted to be close to Matthew, at least for a moment before a part of his heart, life and sanity was torn away from him. He kept holding on in the hug, feeling like it was the last time he would ever have human contact, but he did let go when he realized he was hugging the Canadian a bit too tight, resulting in Matthew letting out a small 'Maple~', as a request to be released.

"Hey, I didn't realize it was already this late. I promised I would help Alfred with a few things, you know how helpless he is at moments. I'll cya later, alright?",Arthur said, turning away without waiting for a response and heading back to the beginning of the park at a steady pace. He walked right out, not looking where he was going and just following the side-walk. He was still completely numb to everything around him, he barely heard anything over a murmur and his sight was fuzzy, though he couldn't tell if he was crying or not. Arthur tried to snap himself out of it, he lifted his head and saw something that didn't register until it was only a few seconds away. Two bright head-lights, heading straight for him.


	2. A Hero on His Way

Arthur froze seeing the lights so close. He didn't know what to do. Run? Let it hit him? It was too close to run anyway.. He closed his eyes, waiting for imminent pain to come, but instead he felt a force push him sideways, and heard the screech of a car.

The Englishmen opened his eyes to see his little independent sibling, Alfred. He looked up at him, not really understanding what just happened. He moved his head to see the car speeding down the road, not even slowing to check if he was okay. Then a soft mumble turned into shouting as he realized Alfred was yelling at him. "Dude, are you okay!? You can't just be zoned out like that on the road, you almost died!",he kept shouting.

"S-Sorry Alfred.",Arthur muttered, now noticing that he was shaking. Though, he didn't know if he was due to the fact he was still crying or that he just had a near-death experience. Of course, Alfred being Alfred didn't realize anything else was wrong.

"Don't say your sorry! I don't wanna hear it! Your my bro, and I don't want my bro dying like that! You can say your sorry when you stop being fucking suicidal!",Alfred yelled, holding Arthur by the front of his shirt. Arthur blinked. _Is that how I look? Suicidal?_

Arthur got lost in his own thoughts and stopped listening to his little brother once more. _It would make sense. The love of my life is getting married, I never even got to tell him I love him, even if I did now I would probably get rejected. If I did become one of those suicidal people that normally tick me off, then I would have the right to._

"Arthur! Stop sobbing and listen to me!",he could hear Alfred's voice call him back from his thoughts. The Brit could feel the steady stream of tears on his cheeks, and his usual stern attitude that gave him way too much pride for his own good, fell apart. He felt his heart catch in his throat and he grab Alfred back, pulling himself into the younger country's shirt to sob harder.

"Arthur.. The hero is confused. What's wrong?",Alfred asked softly. Even his dense brother could see something was wrong, Arthur would be chewing him out by now saying he didn't need to be saved or that he was stupid for thinking he couldn't get hit as well.

"M-Matthew..",Arthur squeaked out before his sobs turned harder.

"Mattie? What about him, is he hurt!?",the confused american asked quickly. Arthur shook his head.

"H-He's getting married.",Arthur said softly. Alfred's eyes seemed to harden when Arthur looked up at him.

"Your killing yourself because he's getting married? I mean, C'mon Iggy that's a bit-"

"I'm doing it because I'm not the one he's marrying, you bloody git!",Arthur shouted at him, throwing the young country back. The Englishmen got up and turned, running to where he presumed his home was and as far away from Alfred and Matthew and even Gilbert to hide from the world and the feelings he would have to hide. Though he knew very well, with that whole show that he just put on.. There was no way Alfred and his big mouth could keep it a secret very long.

-

Alfred stood up shakily on the side-walk, looking after where his old friend had run off to. _Could Mattie getting married really upset him that much?_ He stood there thinking it over in his dense brain. Arthur looked so sad, confused, angry.. All things he had only seen a small piece of when he, himself, had started fighting - and winning I might add - the revolutionary war.

_How much does he like Mattie that he isn't telling anyone? I know if I kept a secret, no matter what it was, it would eat me up inside._ Alfred frowned to himself. _I'm an idiot. For a while, I forgot that my own best friend could have feelings like that. Being so serious and proper, being himself.. That alone should have told me he was keeping something. No one is that serious and proper without hiding something underneath._

Something in Alfred's brain clicked and he clenched his hands into fists.

"I need to ask somebody what to do.. But who do I ask now? Arthur's the problem so I can't ask him.. Mattie is the other side of the problem, so I can't tell him either.",Alfred said in thought. Then another thing clicked in his mind.

"I gotta tell someone who's just as serious as he is! They won't tell anyone and I can try to help!",Alfred said in his usual loud, can-make-anyone-smile tone. He picked up the glasses that had fallen off him when Arthur had pushed him, and turned running for the meeting hall.

-

Arthur got to his door and fumbled to find the right key. It was dark out, he still had drying tears on his cheeks and some in his eyes, only making it harder for him. Finally he found the right one, and stepped inside. He laggingly took off his jacket, hung it and proceeded to not let his body take him anymore than the couch.

He felt horrible. Now, not only did the love of his life not like him back and wouldn't ever probably. His own little brother probably wouldn't talk to him after all that went on.

_This is the worst day I've ever imagined.. And I made it happen to myself._ Arthur forced himself up, only to drag him to his room, lock the door and fall onto his bed, pushing the covers over himself.


	3. Call In The Germans

Alfred ran until he got near enough to his home, then he went there and got to drive his car the rest of the way. The american parked his car and got out, beeping it to lock before he walked up to the double doors leading inside. He pushed through, and went down the right corridor. There was supposed to be a meeting tomorrow, so many of the countries would be staying in rooms set up for them here, as to avoid being late or missing it entirely.

Alfred stopped, reading a name plate on the wall next to one of the many doors in the corridor. 'Ludwig Beilschmidt'. _Just the person I need to see about serious old England!_ Alfred knocked on the door quickly, not pounding it like he usually would since it is late. He's dense but he knows no one likes getting woken up. Especially Romano, who was sure to be in a room close by to keep an eye on his brother.

There wasn't any reply, so he knocked again this time a bit more insistently. Then Alfred listened intently, hearing some shuffling and groggy murmurs. _Yes!_ Soon, the door clicked open to reveal Ludwig, standing with his hair in only a slight mess and wearing some sweatpants, along with only a black tank-top.

Ludwig seemed to have his ever permanent frown pertrude even more on his face when he saw Alfred. "Vhy have you woken me from zuch a vonderful sleep?",the German asked, his intense accent making him always sound angry.

"I need to talk to you. It's about Iggy.",Alfred said in his serious tone, which seemed to make Ludwig recoil. He thought for a moment, then nodded letting Alfred inside.

"Fine, just ve quiet. Feli had a nightmare zo he came over. I vinally got him to zleep again.",Ludwig said in a hushed voice, looking over to his bed that had a smaller Italian in it with brown hair and a smile on his face while he slept.

Alfred almost laughed, but waking him up then laughing at the few people that very much enjoy Germany's company.. Not a good decision. Even Alfred knew that. The american sat in a chair on the far wall, with his German companion sitting on a chair facing him.

"Alright, vhat iz wrong with England?",Ludwig asked. Alfred thought about how to say this.

"Well.. I saw him earlier today, and he seemed odd. He kept walking down the street with his head down and then he tried to cross the street.. He didn't look at all and he almost got plowed over by a car!",Alfred said. His voice was quiet but from the strain in it, you could tell it was hard for him being at that volume.

Ludwig looked at him, his eyes slightly wider than usual. "Did he get hit? Vhy wasn't he looking? He's one of ze most attentive countries here.",the German said, sitting up straight like at the meetings. Alfred shook his head.

"No, he didn't get hurt. I ran out and pushed him out of the way as it passed. The bastard didn't even bother to stop and check if we were alright!",Alfred said at regular speaking level near the end, and Ludwig shushed him quickly, both of them seeing the Italian stir slightly.

"Zat doesn't answer vhy Arthur wasn't looking.",Ludwig persisted.

"I started yelling at him about being careless and he just started crying into my shirt. He said that Mattie was getting married. Then, when I asked why that made any difference.. He shouted at me for him not being the one Mattie was marrying.",Alfred said, a bit unsure at the end. Ludwig sat for a moment in thought, then slouched and cupped his head in one hand.

"Love is a dangerous ving to have Alfred. It can break a man.. I think you saw an example of zat today.",Ludwig said, looking at him sympathetically. "I'll ask Matthew who he's getting married to, then maybe zat will help with a solution. For right now, leave Arthur alone. He's a serious man. He von't let zis interfere with his life for long.",Ludwig said with confidence.

"Arthur vill be fine before tomorrow's meeting, juzt you vait. Iv anyzing he'll act alright.",Ludwig said, standing to show Alfred out the door. The american got up as well and nodded on his way out.

"Thanks Ludwig. I feel better telling you about it.",Alfred said, smiling at the German. Alfred swore he saw something of a smile on his face, but dismissed it. Ludwig just nodded and shut the door gently, locking it again.

Alfred walked back to his car. "Well, I'm already here. No need to drive back home.",he muttered, crawling into the backseat and laying down. _I hope Ludwig's right.._

-

Arthur laid in bed, hearing his alarm go off. He slammed his hand down on it, not letting the blankets slip past his eyes. He had spent the night crying and falling asleep for only a few minutes between each session. He lifted the blanket only slightly to see his face in the full length mirror. He had bags under his eyes and his hair looked like it would take a week to fix, since he would constantly tangle his fingers in it when he sobbed. He frowned. _I deserve to look like this. I waited too long, it was my own fault. I should have just worked up some more courage, instead of being a wimp the whole time I loved him._

The Brit got up, dragging the whole blanket with him and wrapping it so he looked like he was wearing a quilted body length cape, along with a hood to protect his sore eyes from the sunlight. He went to his kitchen and made himself some warm herbal tea. Arthur knew it wouldn't make him feel any better, but he could at least be calm while he wallowed in his own self-pity. He brewed it and got himself a cute tea-cup to sip it from.

He fell apart onto the couch, holding his blanket and tea straight up before grabbing his television remote and flipping through the channels he had. Usually he never turned it on, it was just for company that enjoyed watching shows while they were over to have conversation. He let himself sink back and sip it slowly, before being startled with another alarm from the wristwatch he failed to take off yesterday.

_Bugger, I have a meeting._ He put on a determined face and braced his legs to stand, but for some reason he couldn't bring himself to move from his place on the couch. Arthur sat there another moment, thinking about what happened yesterday. _I can't go.. Matthew's getting married to Prussia, and I couldn't stand to see either of them there. Alfred probably will be telling everyone I like him and that will only make things more awkward between us, then he'll NEVER speak to me.._

Arthur let that thought sink in. "I'll just.. miss this one meeting. None of the meetings lately have been eventful or helpful anyway. Making one absence to relieve self stress will be good for me. Alfred will surely be there, making it a day to switch appearance as one might say..",Arthur said convincing himself. He sighed, almost backing out but then he felt something soft touch his hands. He looked to see Flying Mint Bunny, hovering in front of him looking very worried for him.

"Don't worry Mint Bunny, I'm not sick or anything, just have a bit too much life to handle right now.. but, there's a bright side. I can have all day to spend with you and the others. You missed having tea parties with me haven't you?",Arthur asked, giving a fake but warm smile to his imaginary friend. Flying Mint Bunny nodded and flew off, Arthur thinking it will be to get the others, so he forced himself to stand on weak legs to get a whole tea-set.


	4. Imaginary Confidence

Alfred walked into the meeting room, fashionably late like always and expected to be scolded by Ludwig for it again. Or by his ex-caretaker, but when he got in he looked around to see Germany with his usually strict face, unaffected by him entering, and no Englishman in sight. Alfred's heart fell, and he rushed over to the German as quickly as possible. "Hey, isn't Iggy here yet?",Alfred asked in his overpoweringly loud voice.

It looked like Ludwig only just noticed that he was here. There was nearly every country present for the meeting at the moment, except for a certain Italian who was the opposite of Ludwig's best buddy Feliciano, a Spaniard who used to care for said Italian, and of course, Arthur. "No, I'm afraid he'z either eztremely late, or a no show.",Ludwig grumbled, obviously distracted by this fact.

Of course to everyone around them, it would look like regular grumpy Ludwig, but the american knew the real reason for his seriousness about the subject today. Honestly, he was starting to look like Ludwig too with his eye-brows furrowed, but he had a prominent frown on his face instead of a scowl.

"Do you think he really won't come because of what happened?",Alfred whispered to the serious ambassador, his eyes lingering on the floor. Ludwig only sighed. "Who knowz.. Iv he doezn't get here in 10 minutez then ve're going to have to start the meeting without him. I zuggest you call his phone vhile I get everyone in order.",Ludwig said, his thick accent being more gruff with his distress. Soon the German was pulled away by an innocent Feliciano, who was oblivious to anything being wrong.

Alfred took this chance to do what his friend suggested, and walked out into the hallway, pulling out his cell-phone as he heard Ludwig barking at everyone through the doors. He dialed Arthur's number and waited as the tone kept ringing, only getting him at voice-mail. "Hey Iggy! I was just wonderin' if you were gonna come to the meeting today.. Cuz' ya'know your never even late, so your gonna worry your buds. Call me back, cya.",Alfred left his message before hanging up and looking at the screen sadly.

He shook his head and jammed it into his pocket again as he went into the meeting room again and took his seat, talking over anyone who spoke of ideas and agreements like he always did, even if everyone didn't notice how half-hearted they were.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Arthur sat at the table with his imaginary friends, who were all worrying over him as though he was sick. He had barely touched his tea during the tea-party they'd been having for the last half hour, and this made all of them on edge.

"Arthur, what's wrong? Do you not feel well?",Flying Mint Bunny asked, floating over Arthur's head and checking for fever. A white unicorn with a pink and purple main trotted next to him and nuzzled its nose into the palm of his hand, also asking what was wrong.

"No, no I'm fit as a fiddle. The only thing broken is my heart.",Arthur sighed, going into an explanation of what happened the other day when he went out with Matthew. "Then he just blurts out that he's getting married to that- that.. Un-awesome freak!",Arthur yelled, burrying his head in his hands while his little friends consoled him. At times like this, he didn't care if no body else could see them and it looked like he was talking to himself. These were his only real friends, the ones he could tell his heart and sole to and they would never tell anyone else, even if someone could see the creatures.

He wept openly and Flying Mint Bunny floated onto his lap, so the sobbing man could see him through his hands. "Well, when did he say the wedding was going to be?",the small green creature asked.

"N-Next week.",Arthur replied weakly, not wanting to utter any words that could make more tears sprout from his red, puffy eyes.

"Well then, you have a whole week to tell him how you really feel. Even if he's getting married, he has a right to know.. You did take care of him for many years of his life, and watched him grow. He deserves honesty, that's what you always told us!",the bunny said, flapping its small wings with enthusiasm.

Arthur tried to gather what the small mint bunny just said as his cell-phone rang. He had a bit more confidence in himself, but he was no where near ready to talk with anyone. He would just let it ring and get back to it later.

"Alright, I'll tell him.. Just not today, I don't want to break down while I do it.",Arthur decided, picking up his little friend while the others followed and made his way to the kitchen so he could re-heat his tea.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A few days passed and no one had heard from Arthur. It was only 5 days until the wedding Canada and Prussia had planned, and announced at the meeting. Everyone had congratulated them, and gave their blessing for the wedding and said they were going to be there for them, even if everyone was mostly going because a wedding means food and dancing. None of them remembered Matthew, so they had to find some reason to go to anything involving Gilbert in it.

No one seemed bothered by Arthur's disappearance except for Alfred, Ludwig, Francis and Matthew. Of course, Alfred and Ludwig wouldn't tell the other two why Arthur wasn't speaking to anyone, but they would discuss it whenever they were alone, trying to figure out a way to get past the wall Arthur had built for himself recently.

The Englishman wouldn't answer the phone, or any texts or emails that they sent, even if they were titled URGENT, if anything just to get his attention to it a bit. From what Alfred and Ludwig could tell, whenever Francis went to his house, the Brit didn't seem to be home.

They were really starting to get worried now, and Alfred's mind was assuming the worst. "What if he committed suicide!? He did almost get hit by that car, what if he did something himself this time!?",Alfred voiced his opinion to his German friend, waving his arms around sporadically with worry. "He could be laying in his house, blood everywhere and no one actually going in to find him!",he added.

Ludwig shook his head, though his mind wasn't far from that idea itself. "Alright, the two of us will go to his home. If he doesn't answer the door, we're going in anyway.",Ludwig decided, putting his coat on since England was known for his rainy days and unpleasant weather. Since the personification of it was feeling so low, then it might even be worse than usual as well.


End file.
